"I Thought It Was Unusual But Didn’t Think Much Of It": People Are Revealing The Red Flags They Originally Overlooked That Ultimately Ended The Relationship

"If she goes off the deep end, she passes; she must love me.' And then the bar went higher and higher."

Raven Ishak
by Raven Ishak

BuzzFeed Staff

When a relationship ends, it may be easier to see exactly how toxic things were between you and an ex-partner. So when Reddit user u/OldNational asked: "What is a red flag that you chose to overlook that ultimately ended the relationship?" a lot of people courageously told their stories. Here's what they said below.

1. "Constantly 'joking' about other people being better looking or smarter. At first, I brushed it off as humor, but over time, it became clear that those 'jokes' were actually digs at my self-esteem. Should've realized earlier that a relationship where someone makes you feel less than isn’t healthy."

A smiling couple is playfully reaching for a TV remote while sitting on a couch at home
Jgi / Getty Images/Tetra images RF

—u/petiteandsporty

2. "Him constantly calling me names every other word. It’s not normal behavior."

—u/dark_intent77

3. "Being indifferent to everything. They do not want to give an opinion on anything or be a part of decision-making, no matter how major it is."

A man and a woman sit at a table with mugs, the man looks at his phone while the woman looks at him, appearing concerned
Catherine Falls Commercial / Getty Images

—u/Windsock2080

"Or putting the decision on the partner without contributing and then criticizing whatever they choose."

—u/Un_orthodocs

4. "Exclusively taking me on dates that were either extremely cheap or free. Often, I would notice that he wouldn’t pay for things because he seemed to know someone who worked there. I thought it was unusual but didn’t think much of it at the time because he owned a successful business and drove a BMW, so I knew he wasn’t hard up. He ended up being insultingly cheap with me and treating me like a maid/chauffeur because he didn’t want to use his own gas, pay for an Uber, or pay a cleaner. I also ended up paying for most of our dates because I was tired of McDonald’s Value Meals and actually wanted to do things like go to concerts and movies and have fun once in a while. It just made me feel unappreciated."

—u/cebogs

5. "The derogatory way in which he talked about other women. I felt 'special' because (as far as I knew) he didn't think like that about me. Turns out, he absolutely did, and his hatred was even worse when directed towards an ex-partner."

A man aggressively confronts a woman against a wall; she looks away, pushing his hand away. The scene conveys tension and discomfort
Stock-eye / Getty Images

—u/Chiweeny

6. "Setting little tests. Like: 'I’m gonna do this and see how she reacts. If she goes off the deep end, she passes; she must love me.' And then the bar went higher and higher. I deeply hope my children are more emotionally intelligent and aware than I was, and GTFO if anyone ever pulls that shit on them."

—u/Spirit_Bitterballen

7. "The earliest sign was being possessive over me. It’s nice to be wanted, and I think that wanted feeling got me confused in the beginning. It first looked like he did not want to have me hang out with my guy friend alone at night, even if it was in a backyard. It then looked like him not want me to dress and act inappropriately, according to him. It then looked like him acting aggressively if a guy approached me and his sister at a bar where he was just a few feet away and putting his hand on the guy despite us handling the situation."

A couple takes a selfie outdoors, smiling at each other. One is wearing a leather jacket, and the other a beige coat
Jon Vallejo / Getty Images

"He also continuously brought up negative feelings about how many people I was intimate with despite him having told me in full explicit detail the intimate situations he had been in with his ex’s. Over time, this looked like him getting anxiety if I was away from him for too long — even if I was just with family. 

He started not to like my friends and family and put more and more space between me and them. Getting upset with me if I didn’t/couldn’t go to his family functions despite him putting in little to no effort to go to mine. Telling me that I had to name our kids based on his culture, learn his language, and take vows when we get married that the woman must obey the man in the marriage. 

I literally had a full-blown panic attack when he told me that. Not allowing me to leave the relationship easily and following me if I tried to leave during arguments, but yet, overall, acting indifferent towards me if I wasn’t trying to leave. 

He would actually fake a heart attack and come up with sad childhood stories to make me feel pity for him so that I wouldn’t leave. All the while, he was cheating on me and lying about it. 

And then, when we broke up, he wouldn’t let me solely keep our dog despite the fact that I gained nothing from our 7-year relationship, where five of it I lived with him, so in order to keep seeing my dog, I had to share her with him. 

He would come into my place when I moved out without my permission and look around. He got super upset when I started dating my current partner, and when I tried telling him that I wanted out of the exchanges and to keep our dog, he told me I was 'his best friend and the only one in the world who understands him,' and that I would 'keep her if we couldn’t make the exchange situation work out.' All the while, his girlfriend, a person who he cheated on me with, was waiting for him at home. Eight months later, when I said it wasn’t working out, he filed a lawsuit to force me into exchanging our dog again.

As painful as it was, I just gave her to him, and he was SHOCKED when I told him this in court. Definitely not happy. POSSESSIVENESS IS NOT A HEALTHY WAY OF FEELING WANTED. LET ME REPEAT, POSSESSIVENESS IS NOT A HEALTHY WAY OF FEELING WANTED."

—u/Feeling_Mango_277

8. "Constantly calling me when I say I can’t talk because I’m hanging out with friends or in class and then proceeding to accuse me of cheating."

—u/ForeverAloneBlindGuy

9. "His inability to express his feelings, especially affection. At first, he'd fake it, and I was too naive to know the difference. As time went on, his priorities shifted to only him, and loving someone else was an afterthought."

A person sitting on a bed in a pensive mood, facing a window. The setting is a simple, cozy room
Justin Paget / Getty Images

—u/Candy__Canez

10. "He couldn't communicate when things were bothering him. Little things turned into big things."

—u/crazytrain_2023

11. "There were many, but the earliest one I can remember was him helping me off a wall I was going to jump off of on my own (help I didn’t ask for, but he was eager about it and trying to be romantic) and something happened: I think I placed my hand somewhere and it slipped into his side, but something happened where he got hurt. That man berated me in front of his whole family, and I was so embarrassed and felt bad, but looking back, I realized he took it to an extreme."

A couple at home appears to be in a tense conversation; the woman looks away with folded arms, while the man leans in towards her
Vladimir Vladimirov / Getty Images

—u/MaryJanesSister

12. "A mommy's boy. Never thought it was that big of a deal until I realized it was like I was in a relationship with his mother. Shit went to hell when he complained about me to her and lied. When I called him out for his lies, his mother literally attacked me. I walked out. Bye."

—u/Easy-Industry-807

13. "Double standards. Like forbidding you from doing a certain thing when they still do it, then screaming at you in front of other people when you question them. Or looking down on other people for doing something they do all the time and are just too oblivious to realize it. Expecting you to apologize for something you never did, but refusing to apologize when they hurt you. Years later, I still can’t wrap my head around this kind of behavior."

A couple sitting apart on a couch with crossed arms, showing signs of tension
Peopleimages / Getty Images/iStockphoto

—u/tiredconcept

People who were in relationships, were there any early red signs that you wish you didn't ignore? Tell us what they are and why in the comments below.

The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.

Comments